The Strong O

We've been doing this little back and forth of me talking and you uncontrollably laughing for long enough now that I feel I can admit something to you: I have a problem saying most names. My mother informs me that it's all in my head - which it most definitely is - but whatever. The most difficult name to say, of course, is my own name, Max. Other names that give me problems are names like Seth, Ally, Wren, and Lynn. You know, names with weak vowel representation and lots of consonants. My mother says I’m being an idiot.

There are, however, names that are easy, and enjoyable to say. Names that effortlessly sail off the tongue, glide even, and leave my mouth feeling suave and satisfied.

Those would be names containing a strong letter “O”.

You know, names like Chloe, Zoe, Colette, Rocco, and Tomer. Those five names are, without a doubt, some of the most beautiful names known to man. In addition, there are your strong “O” names followed by the letter “r”: names like Morgan, George, or Lorne. Those type of names are usually a toss up, rarely as good as the solo strong “O,” though never as fowl as a name lacking a strong vowel. Lorne, for example, sucks. It is a really shitty name. On the other hand, both Morgan and George happen to be on the same level of excellence as the five "O" names I listed earlier, with the latter being the name of the most gentlemanly gentleman alive, George Clooney.

In terms of a solution to my pronunciation problem, there is very little to be done. I will be taking precautions over the course of my life, however, to ensure that my surroundings are filled with as many strong "O's" as possible. For instance, in time I will marry a woman named Chloe, have a son named Zooey, and a dog named Otis. I will live in Oakland and strictly vacation only on Lake Como. Though it may be difficult, I will change my cookie of choice to oatmeal. Or perhaps even the Oreo. Yeah, actually, the Oreo is a much better choice. I will wear only orange corduroy, which I've already got a pretty good start on, and protect my eyes strictly with sweet Oakley sunglasses (that being the true accomplishment of this whole obsession). I will switch my favorite superhero from Spiderman to Thor, fight stains exclusively with Clorox2 stain fighter, continue to delegate all chores, ride a moped, work at Post-it, start a collection of opals, and finally, read nothing but Salinger, because some things never change.