Why I Love Weddings

Yesterday was my cousin Jon's wedding, and I'm happy for him and all, but couldn't he have waited until I was at least in the country? The thing is, I love weddings. Weddings are one of the only times in which I am guaranteed to find my three favorite activities. Those would be, in no particular order: 1) Dressing up, 2) Eating cake, and 3) Dancing. These are the types of ventures that I look for in all undertakings. They're hard to find though. Maybe I will find one, on some occasions two, but rarely all three, and often none at all. I was particularly disappointed, and frankly surprised, when a recent trip to the DMV yielded neither good fits, good dessert, nor dancing.

And I don't want to hear from you that I'm being selfish. Because I'm not. If anything, it's inconsiderate to hold a wedding at a time when I am unable to attend. It's rude, in fact, if not to me then certainly to the other guests. Let's look at it this way: I’m guessing it was pretty recently that you looked at pictures of me from prom. I can’t imagine it wasn’t. If for some reason though it was not, let’s get this clear: I look great in a suit. It won't be long now until I am tapped to replace Daniel Craig as James Bond. The cake eating is a no-brainer, and as for the dancing, do you realize that I've won two dance-offs in my meager twenty years? Yeah, two. Now after all this concrete evidence, and on top of my vibrant humility, you really want to host a wedding that lacks my presence?

In all seriousness though, or at least with as much as I'll ever be able to muster, I am very happy for my cousin Jon. Afterall, this is quite a woman that he's got. I mean, maybe. I don't actually know her that well, but she seems great. Congratulations, Jon.

UPDATE: I recently realized that weddings are also the best place for my fourth most enjoyed pastime: Toast-giving. Damn, I really missed out.